The Problem with “do not obey in advance”
If you are anywhere near the same circles I am in, you have heard people shouting “do not obey in advance”. Sometimes a directive, sometimes admonishing, sometimes a rallying cry. But rarely is it teased out beyond a demand of individual behavior change. Our choices matter. And every individual together makes up collectives, corporations, institutions, and governments. So yes, many individuals deciding not to “obey in advance” has an impact.
But I cannot help but hear the shaming voices of so many campaigns like green washing — convincing us that recycling our home waste is equivalent to the waste and pollution dispelled from major corporations and manufacturers. It is not. Focusing on individual behavior, keeps us blaming the victims. Keeping us focused on the American King - the rugged individual. Often times those most likely to obey in advance, are those stuck in appeasing trauma responses. Do we really want to shame people who may be contending with deep seated childhood or generational traumas? Is this the radical future we imagine?
So, why do we “obey in advance”? What drives us to anticipate the needs of others, and change our behavior to match? Hyper-vigilance. Compliance. When raised in unsafe households, or unsafe communities, we learn to anticipate the needs of those in authority around us. We learn that our safety is dependent on adapting to the violent and unpredictable whims of the individuals and systems in power. We tip toe around each other. We silence our voice before ever fully learning to speak.
When I hear this new cultural admonition, I feel embarrassed. Responding like I have screwed up without ever opening my mouth. An unfortunately familiar feeling. When has shaming each other or our coping methods ever worked? Many of us try for decades to shame ourselves out of unhealthy survival mechanisms. I have yet to find someone successful at it. If we really want to create an up swell of resistance, of people who refuse to obey in advance, or even people who refuse to obey when there are real consequences (there are now), we need to meet this part of ourselves. To face the tender part who is not able to confront power down in this way, who would rather stay silent and small.
How do we learn compliance? Everywhere. We are taught compliance to those in authority, to systems, to parents, family members and individuals in our lives. It emerges in the loss of autonomy of youth, to institutions that demand “respectability” to receive meager respect or aid. Ultimately when we learn that our safety is compliance, we learn that our needs, our autonomy, sometimes even our loved ones well being, must be sacrificed. We are a nation of people living into trauma responses. And the last month of this administration has been designed to heighten the experience of trauma, of overwhelming our nervous systems, of overpowering our ability to make choices, or keep ourselves or families safe.
A healed population is much harder to control. Those who are not generationally stuck in Fight, Flight, Freeze or Appease, are able to respond to crises, take care of their own and their communities needs, and see through the cloud of fear concocted by abusive people and institutions. When we heal we utilize Appease, but do not stay trapped there. I think of the Dutch girls who seduced N*zi soldiers and killed them. When we heal, we find ways to use even a compliance response to our advantage. To step into anger so it drives us forward without harming others or ourselves. To flee when needed, without retreating into a pattern of avoidance.
Its not a question of “not obeying”. But rather when we will choose to heal into our power. Together.
